You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
