She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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