Don't make out with my wife yet
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
