I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
