We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
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Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
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Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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