I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
