At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
