I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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