my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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