She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
