Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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