Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
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So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
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Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize