Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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