I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.