I hope mine doesn't look like that
I forgot how hot balto sounded
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
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