Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
