I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
