Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
