I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
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I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
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We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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