i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Randomize
