Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
