I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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