when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Are my feet made of real feet?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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