I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
