Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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