My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
