What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
