I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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