Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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