what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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