Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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