My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
