Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Randomize
