You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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