I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
