I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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