my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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