I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
