The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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