Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
