he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
