you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
