How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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