Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Randomize
