And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize