I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
