Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
