I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I woke up under a house in Key West
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