I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
