Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
