i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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