The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
