Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
