Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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