if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
