Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Randomize
