i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
